The Nineteenth Year

I was born roughly around this hour, nineteen years ago. I'm still not sure if mommy's regretting having her then-nubile figure ruined for life, underside split open, and then coerced into signing a lifelong contract of responsibility and worry.

It has been a good year. Although if it is true that 18 is when you look better than you ever will in your life, then I think I am going to be a witch. But apart from that, I think this year, I am little bit more sure of myself. I have decided that I am super (and Steven says lovable, hahaha), and I'm going to stay that way (and more lovable). (:

I am no longer afraid of the future (because I'm lovable), and I tell those who ask now with confidence that I want to be a(n) (lovable) academic. So between now and those golden years (my aim is 50), I am interested in (in no order of merit) 1) understanding public policy 2) changing the world 3) keeping my mind sharp 4) living and making art. Of course, I still wish I could be a doctor, a brilliant mathematician, a rocket scientist, a truck driver, a star, steven spielberg etc. But I think growing up is about finding your centre. Unfortunately, a little bit of me will always be off-centre, but I'm learning that it isn't always a bad thing.

I have left Kate and Josh behind for a while now, because I am no longer afraid. Tough decisions are still tough, but I am looking forward to making them. I no longer live in the fear of losing people to the complexity of the future. I think the three musketeers taught me a little about this one. Curiously enough, there has been absolutely nothing I can rely on to say that I'll see Mingy and Steven again in the future, but I have never felt more at peace. In the sweetest of birthday gifts, Steven gave me a special book, inscribed with the invitation to think of him when I'm feeling lonely in "little Britain". I'm packing the book to London. It has already begun - we lost our Third Musketeer to Tekong yesterday. But I have a feeling we've got a small something going that's going to persist for life in occasional coincidences and guileless camaraderie (like shoe shopping). (And puppy-balloon surprises)


Shum, Eleen and KC renewed my faith in humanity and friendship all over again when they dragged my flu-ridden butt out to celebrate my 'early birthday'. We dont see each other except on birthdays anymore, but we still call each other best friends. I can't say it to their freckled faces, but they mean more to me than mushrooms (which means a bloody lot). Time stops when we meet and we're 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 all at once. It broke my heart that they thought to do all this, even till this day, when we all live our own separate lives. Their love came in a pretty, dollish, miniature drawer set to pack to London. (I am going to feel very loved in London)

(P.S. I will also need a bolster, a huggable teddy bear, some bedroom slippers, a mug for milo and someone to tell me bedtime stories)

Something has changed, but I don't know what, or why. But something has changed such that I can now face Perm Secs, CEOs, hardened professors and tell them what I am going to say will sound idealistic, but I am unapologetic. It has changed such that I can look at the hands waving goodbye and remember that I know how they feel when holding me, instead of feel the growing distance. Something has changed.

My heart has not grown wiser, but it has grown more honest. The World has been an intensive classroom, and I am an enthusiastic student. I thank the many many who have loved lucky me - I feel it and I will always be grateful.

I wish sometimes that I had a hand to hold along this wonderful new path, to share beauty and fears, but for now, it must be enough to know that many lone hands are walking down this same path too.